Column 3

Top 3 Signs your campaign has lost momentum
# 3 You are forced to roll out the annual national daycare promise
# 2 Party leaders appearance on Global National is scrapped for segment on looming cabbage crisis
# 1 A poll of your campaign workers shows 50% still undecided

Headline: Liberals promise $70 billion to cities for infrastructure
“Party officials say the program is cost effective because it turns out Alberta and Saskatchewan has way more carbon than they originally counted.”
“Dion says priority will be given to Cities that adopt green building designs so if you really need that sewage treatment plant, you will be advised to build it from actual sewage.”
“Liberal strategists say the pledge became more urgent when polls showed their underlying support in the Cities is crumbling.”

Headline: Facebook offers an online vote swapping service
“What a great idea, I’m hoping to swap mine for a week at a time share.”
“The concept is simple, if you vote NDP and live in Alberta you could swap with a Conservative in Newfoundland who is living in denial.”
“Officials with Elections Canada were taken off guard and promised to look into what this “Facebook” thing is.”
“Call me old fashioned but I remember the good old days when all we swapped with strangers was our wives.”

Headline: Conservatives outline program for small business owners to get Employment and Maternity benefits
“This policy is timely now that most banks will soon fall into the category of small business.”
“Harper says he identifies with new mothers who try to do a job while having to constantly keep an eye on what the children are up to.”

Headline: US banking crisis become political issue
“A Liberal fundraiser assured reporters they are not affected because they keep the campaign money in a jelly jar.”
“The NDP was hit hardest with the party finding it’s difficult to blame Canada’s problems on capitalists when they have no capital.”

Headline: Bob Rae upstages Stephane Dion during campaign appearances
“Dion was incensed saying he was only supposed to come and translate.”
“Rae was overhead saying the words every Liberal leader dreads, I’ve got your back.”

Headline: Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion's campaign plane makes unscheduled landing in Montreal
“It’s the first time a campaign has caused an airplane to stall.”
“Officials blame the stop on the plane suddenly running out of carbon credits.” - Unnamed reporter aboard the plane

Headline: Female comic handcuffed after interrupting Stephen Harper at a press conference
“An unnamed Conservative cabinet minister remarked “big deal we’ve been handcuffed since he was elected.”
“Party officials were upset saying they were supposed to release the new regulations for artistic expression next week.”

Headline: Conservatives promise to ban cigarette ads targeted towards children
“After last week you would have thought they would stay clear of puffin’ announcements.”
“So it seems like the Conservatives are counting on a tar and feather strategy.”

Headline: The Greens unveil a ``Green Book`` on policies and platforms
“Green officials say they have now distanced themselves from the Liberals as their policy book is green not red, is printed on recycled paper instead of glossy and has a totally different font.”
“The plan is based on taxing an invisible, colourless, odourless substance and really what could possibly go wrong with that?”

Headline: Opposition Party’s pick Wednesday to unveil billions in election promises
“Wednesday has now become stump day not hump day.”
“It seems like now Wednesday’s child is full of dough and taxpayers are full of woe.”

Headline: Conservative Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz makes inappropriate remarks about listeriosis crisis
“Most Canadians surveyed were shocked... who knew a Conservative could tell jokes?”
“The remarks have people wondering “Is Ritz crackers?”

Headline: NDP candidate in BC quits over segments showing him taking drugs on TV
“This is the first time a politician has been filmed on TV rambling incoherent sentences since Question Period.”
“It turns out; he didn’t pass the acid tests.”

Headline: Liberals urge Dion to adopt former PM Jean Chretien’s election strategies
“Dion appears to have taken the advice as he now speaks in distorted English and wanders into the crowd looking for a homeless protester to choke.”
“When you think of the strategies of the Chretien years it just brings tears to your eyes.”

Headline: NDP and Conservatives announce programs for seniors
“In a strange turn of events both leaders promised, if elected, to force the CBC to run Golden Girls marathons.”
“Both party’s are promising them more money but the NDP may have the upper hand because they will send it in a cheque with a birthday card.”

Headline: Cross Border Fencing
“As low as things are getting in the US elections, Canadian campaigning might have gone lower with a Conservative ad showing a cartoon puffin pooping on Liberal party leader Stephane Dion. Actually, the McCain campaign did think of a similar anti-Obama campaign with a bird, but Sarah Palin shot it.”

“Canada`s Research in Motion has become an election issue with Americans now that one of Senator John McCain's aides said he helped invent the Blackberry. In related news, Sarah Palin said "I can see blackberries grow from my house." - Janice Hough

“Stephen Harper demonstrated his musical prowess during a campaign appearance and now the other leaders have pianist envy.” -Mark Dip

"19 year old UNBC student Drew Adamick has been selected as the federal Liberal candidate for Cariboo-Prince George. Adamick calls himself the Sarah Palin of Canadian politics." - Hartley Miller

“Canadians are being urged to become more public this election. If you support the policies and character of Stephen Harper, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Stephane Dion, please drive with your headlights off at night.” – Lloyd Lahti