Column 6

Top 5 ways to pick up the youth vote
# 5 Place candidate pamphlets in specially marked boxes of Captain Crunch
# 4 Promise if elected the new chairman of the Bank of Canada will be Buck 65
# 3 End each speech by letting voters do Jaeger body shots
# 2 Convince them candidate’s tongue is pierced not forked
#1 Final debate is replaced by sudden death karaoke competition

Headline: Dion denies charges he is an elite out of touch academic
He says the perfect response to the charges is found in a quote by the philosopher Gorgias but it doesn’t translate well from ancient Greek.
Party officials are worried because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know people don’t want to listen to rocket scientists.

Headline: Harpers claims opposition parties “cheering for a recession”.
An outraged Dion responded by saying “give me an N... give me an E... give me a V... give me an E... give me an R”.
Liberal campaign officials defended their newest economic slogan saying hex just naturally rhymes with TSX.

Headline: NDP unveils $51.6 billion in campaign promises
Conservatives say if this plan is enacted Canadians will owe the NDP more than just a debt of gratitude.
Layton says he will cancel tax breaks to big business and give them to smaller ones. Economists say this might be more expensive because with his plan there will be a lot of big businesses becoming small.

Headline: BQ says they want Quebec to cut their dependence on oil in half
Officials say this is not a result of the separatist policies running out of gas.
Voters in Quebec were outraged saying they want their poutine left alone.

Headline: Conservatives propose money to pay for children’s music lessons
As a student of history it is ironic Harper would propose fiddling with music lessons when the financial markets are burning.

Headline: Liberals unveil Action Plan booklet
It has an interesting slogan “Sort of like the Red Book but we promise to not break as many promises”.
In an effort to appeal to the youth a rap version is available for download from iTunes.

Headline: Harper campaigns at his High School reunion
Despite his status he still couldn’t get a clear majority to vote him Homecoming King.
In a surprise move Harper had his security detachment take the bullies that tortured him as a kid outside for some “re-education”.

Headline: BQ say only they represent the best interests of Quebec
Party officials say this is confirmed by internal polling that suggests Quebecers want to be marginalized, ineffective and forever out of government.

Headline: Polls indicate NDP could form official opposition.
The margin is close but it seems Layton could pull it out by a whisker.

Headline: Dion celebrates his birthday with fellow candidates
An awkward moment came when it was time to cut the cake and all of the former leadership candidates offered their knives.

Headline: BQ say Stephen Harper is a George Bush clone
The charge was brushed aside by Conservatives who pointed out his members have yet to reject a bill he has proposed.
If anything the way the Conservatives blindly follow their leader it is more likely they are clones of sheep.

Headline: Dion says Liberals are in the middle
Party officials are concerned because it puts them squarely between a rock and a hard place

Headline: NDP promises $400 per month for child support
By focusing on the cradle the chance of running a deficit seems grave.

Headline: Conservative leader has not responded to an anti-poverty organization's questions
Harper says in his defence the questions were really poor.

Headline: Liberal support concentrated in Toronto and Montreal
Polls show they appeal to voters in the Big Smoke and those that smoke big.