Top 5 ways to pick up the youth vote
# 5 Place candidate pamphlets in specially marked boxes of Captain Crunch
# 4 Promise if elected the new chairman of the Bank of Canada will be Buck 65
# 3 End each speech by letting voters do Jaeger body shots
# 2 Convince them candidate’s tongue is pierced not forked
#1 Final debate is replaced by sudden death karaoke competition
Headline: Dion denies charges he is an elite out of touch academic
He says the perfect response to the charges is found in a quote by the philosopher Gorgias but it doesn’t translate well from ancient Greek.
Party officials are worried because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know people don’t want to listen to rocket scientists.
Headline: Harpers claims opposition parties “cheering for a recession”.
An outraged Dion responded by saying “give me an N... give me an E... give me a V... give me an E... give me an R”.
Liberal campaign officials defended their newest economic slogan saying hex just naturally rhymes with TSX.
Headline: NDP unveils $51.6 billion in campaign promises
Conservatives say if this plan is enacted Canadians will owe the NDP more than just a debt of gratitude.
Layton says he will cancel tax breaks to big business and give them to smaller ones. Economists say this might be more expensive because with his plan there will be a lot of big businesses becoming small.
Headline: BQ says they want Quebec to cut their dependence on oil in half
Officials say this is not a result of the separatist policies running out of gas.
Voters in Quebec were outraged saying they want their poutine left alone.
Headline: Conservatives propose money to pay for children’s music lessons
As a student of history it is ironic Harper would propose fiddling with music lessons when the financial markets are burning.
Headline: Liberals unveil Action Plan booklet
It has an interesting slogan “Sort of like the Red Book but we promise to not break as many promises”.
In an effort to appeal to the youth a rap version is available for download from iTunes.
Headline: Harper campaigns at his High School reunion
Despite his status he still couldn’t get a clear majority to vote him Homecoming King.
In a surprise move Harper had his security detachment take the bullies that tortured him as a kid outside for some “re-education”.
Headline: BQ say only they represent the best interests of Quebec
Party officials say this is confirmed by internal polling that suggests Quebecers want to be marginalized, ineffective and forever out of government.
Headline: Polls indicate NDP could form official opposition.
The margin is close but it seems Layton could pull it out by a whisker.
Headline: Dion celebrates his birthday with fellow candidates
An awkward moment came when it was time to cut the cake and all of the former leadership candidates offered their knives.
Headline: BQ say Stephen Harper is a George Bush clone
The charge was brushed aside by Conservatives who pointed out his members have yet to reject a bill he has proposed.
If anything the way the Conservatives blindly follow their leader it is more likely they are clones of sheep.
Headline: Dion says Liberals are in the middle
Party officials are concerned because it puts them squarely between a rock and a hard place
Headline: NDP promises $400 per month for child support
By focusing on the cradle the chance of running a deficit seems grave.
Headline: Conservative leader has not responded to an anti-poverty organization's questions
Harper says in his defence the questions were really poor.
Headline: Liberal support concentrated in Toronto and Montreal
Polls show they appeal to voters in the Big Smoke and those that smoke big.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Column 5
Top 5 signs your Party leader fully supports the Arts...
# 5 Has watched a CBC show from beginning to end
# 4 Interrupts cabinet meetings to vote for favourite on Canadian Idol
# 3 Is known to paint the town red on occasion
# 2 Often credited with raising the politics of division to a new art
# 1 Married an artist to get them out of poverty
Headline: Heritage Christian party files lawsuit to be included in televised debate
Part of the lawsuit includes a request for a 3rd debate to be held in Tongues.
Critics accuse the party of waiting until the last minute saying they are trying to throw a Hail Mary.
Headline: Liberals say their platform is revenue neutral
Experts say this matches the carbon neutral focus and a campaign that seems to be stuck in neutral.
The Liberals say the math is simple; all you do is subtract the budget surpluses in Alberta and Saskatchewan and divide it by the number of voters in Ontario and Quebec.
Headline: NDP unveils national prescription drug program
The plan is part of a comprehensive economic plan that includes valium, Prozac and painkillers.
Headline: Housing collapse becomes election issue
With the record number of for sale signs on lawns, the only candidates to benefit are named Remax, Coldwell Banker or Century 21.
Party workers admit frustration with the difficulty of door knocking when fewer people have doors.
It seems like the leading voice on the economy is Chicken Little.
Headline: Harper announces a policy to get tough on youth crime
Critics say the proposed Whipper-Snapper Act is a thinly veiled proposal aimed at seniors.
Gang leaders were quick to attack the program saying it would just increase the unemployment rate.
Headline: BQ leader Duceppe says Conservative reforms to youth justice would create “young flesh” for hardened criminals
Duceppe says he has already addressed the threat of violent young offenders with his suggestion for a national daycare lockup.
Headline: Quebec artists post a video on Youtube protesting cuts to the arts
In an ironic twist the video has been watched by more people than any taxpayer funded production
The video didn’t qualify for Canadian funding as it parodied a US movie in the title “Oh Brother Where Art Thou Funding?”
Headline: NDP promises more money for creative industries
Lobbyists for the financial industry were quick to demand some of the cash pointing out their use of creative accounting.
Headline: Hackers hit PM Harpers email account
Conservatives became suspicious when emails were sent asking for money to finance Nigerian candidates.
As proponents of reduced government Conservatives were shocked to see the emails promised to increase the size of members.
Headline: Party leaders accuse each other of trying to destroy Canada
Apparently the cuts to the Arts didn’t include Drama Queen Classes.
BQ officials were outraged and saying their salaries and pensions had better not be in danger.
Headline: Liberals promise $500 million for the Arts
The goal of the program is to see starving artists become merely malnourished ones.
The original price tag was only $450 million but someone forgot to add in the carbon capture Dream Catchers.
Headline: Polls show NDP making gains in BC
Pollsters say the gains come despite the NDP taking numerous pot shots.
Headline: Ontario police find 40,000 pot plants in a corn field
A spokesman for the Greens say this is another example “the man” shutting down a high performance ethanol alternative
When the Marijuana candidate for the riding heard of the cornfield bust he was quotes as saying “shucks”.
Headline: Parties demand candidates resign for ill advised remarks
It looks like self-serving outrage has replaced the Canadian dollar as the currency of the realm.
Headline: Party insiders advise Liberals to re-invent the brand
In order to help advertisers with ideas the campaign is being conducted like an ongoing soap opera.
Hough Knew – US thoughts on our election from Janice Hough
Canadians should be worried after Sarah Palin's statements that she would be willing to engage in "military conflict" with Russia if there are disputes because after all, she can also see Canada from her house.
What is harder to understand Stephane Dion speaking English or John McCain wanting more government control of the economy?
Finally the naked truth...
The NDP laws forced to remove a candidate for a long ago "skinny dipping" episode so voters lose the only candidate with no “hidden agenda”. – Lloyd Lahti
# 5 Has watched a CBC show from beginning to end
# 4 Interrupts cabinet meetings to vote for favourite on Canadian Idol
# 3 Is known to paint the town red on occasion
# 2 Often credited with raising the politics of division to a new art
# 1 Married an artist to get them out of poverty
Headline: Heritage Christian party files lawsuit to be included in televised debate
Part of the lawsuit includes a request for a 3rd debate to be held in Tongues.
Critics accuse the party of waiting until the last minute saying they are trying to throw a Hail Mary.
Headline: Liberals say their platform is revenue neutral
Experts say this matches the carbon neutral focus and a campaign that seems to be stuck in neutral.
The Liberals say the math is simple; all you do is subtract the budget surpluses in Alberta and Saskatchewan and divide it by the number of voters in Ontario and Quebec.
Headline: NDP unveils national prescription drug program
The plan is part of a comprehensive economic plan that includes valium, Prozac and painkillers.
Headline: Housing collapse becomes election issue
With the record number of for sale signs on lawns, the only candidates to benefit are named Remax, Coldwell Banker or Century 21.
Party workers admit frustration with the difficulty of door knocking when fewer people have doors.
It seems like the leading voice on the economy is Chicken Little.
Headline: Harper announces a policy to get tough on youth crime
Critics say the proposed Whipper-Snapper Act is a thinly veiled proposal aimed at seniors.
Gang leaders were quick to attack the program saying it would just increase the unemployment rate.
Headline: BQ leader Duceppe says Conservative reforms to youth justice would create “young flesh” for hardened criminals
Duceppe says he has already addressed the threat of violent young offenders with his suggestion for a national daycare lockup.
Headline: Quebec artists post a video on Youtube protesting cuts to the arts
In an ironic twist the video has been watched by more people than any taxpayer funded production
The video didn’t qualify for Canadian funding as it parodied a US movie in the title “Oh Brother Where Art Thou Funding?”
Headline: NDP promises more money for creative industries
Lobbyists for the financial industry were quick to demand some of the cash pointing out their use of creative accounting.
Headline: Hackers hit PM Harpers email account
Conservatives became suspicious when emails were sent asking for money to finance Nigerian candidates.
As proponents of reduced government Conservatives were shocked to see the emails promised to increase the size of members.
Headline: Party leaders accuse each other of trying to destroy Canada
Apparently the cuts to the Arts didn’t include Drama Queen Classes.
BQ officials were outraged and saying their salaries and pensions had better not be in danger.
Headline: Liberals promise $500 million for the Arts
The goal of the program is to see starving artists become merely malnourished ones.
The original price tag was only $450 million but someone forgot to add in the carbon capture Dream Catchers.
Headline: Polls show NDP making gains in BC
Pollsters say the gains come despite the NDP taking numerous pot shots.
Headline: Ontario police find 40,000 pot plants in a corn field
A spokesman for the Greens say this is another example “the man” shutting down a high performance ethanol alternative
When the Marijuana candidate for the riding heard of the cornfield bust he was quotes as saying “shucks”.
Headline: Parties demand candidates resign for ill advised remarks
It looks like self-serving outrage has replaced the Canadian dollar as the currency of the realm.
Headline: Party insiders advise Liberals to re-invent the brand
In order to help advertisers with ideas the campaign is being conducted like an ongoing soap opera.
Hough Knew – US thoughts on our election from Janice Hough
Canadians should be worried after Sarah Palin's statements that she would be willing to engage in "military conflict" with Russia if there are disputes because after all, she can also see Canada from her house.
What is harder to understand Stephane Dion speaking English or John McCain wanting more government control of the economy?
Finally the naked truth...
The NDP laws forced to remove a candidate for a long ago "skinny dipping" episode so voters lose the only candidate with no “hidden agenda”. – Lloyd Lahti
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Link to Star Phoenix Stories
To those of you who have asked for the links to the stories as they have appeared in the Saskatoon Star Phoenix... here is a complete listing...so far...
Column 1
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=905895b3-c6ba-4b25-9cb3-7d8ec2688752
Column 2
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=f023fde8-c02f-4c21-8b12-cb09464cbc67
Column 3
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/local/story.html?id=abb31ea1-d85f-42da-9cff-deb51a77ab22
Column 4
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/observer/story.html?id=e1cf1b3d-a1a3-4a7d-adce-bdc8ddccb8db
Column 5
www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=72284325-07d4-49b5-92e4-22297f3cefea&p=2
Column 6
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=324c68a4-779b-4b1c-b4f7-12c784c70e7e
Column 7
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=90e2b54e-b418-4d2d-9946-877e83c8005a
Column 8
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=7dd0f478-2914-45b0-b525-f54f9b8f7f4f&p=1
Column 1
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=905895b3-c6ba-4b25-9cb3-7d8ec2688752
Column 2
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=f023fde8-c02f-4c21-8b12-cb09464cbc67
Column 3
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/local/story.html?id=abb31ea1-d85f-42da-9cff-deb51a77ab22
Column 4
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/observer/story.html?id=e1cf1b3d-a1a3-4a7d-adce-bdc8ddccb8db
Column 5
www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=72284325-07d4-49b5-92e4-22297f3cefea&p=2
Column 6
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=324c68a4-779b-4b1c-b4f7-12c784c70e7e
Column 7
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=90e2b54e-b418-4d2d-9946-877e83c8005a
Column 8
http://www.canada.com/saskatoonstarphoenix/news/national/story.html?id=7dd0f478-2914-45b0-b525-f54f9b8f7f4f&p=1
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Column 4
Top 5 signs you may need to replace your star candidate
# 5 Offers party leader use of his spaceship during campaign
# 4 Spends more time lurking in bushes than knocking on doors
# 3 She is caught courting the youth vote one student at a time
# 2 On the subject of embezzling is Pro Choice
# 1 He starts off every rally with an impression of Bob Saget
Headline: Dion says this election is a choice between “gimmicks and a vision”.
Most voters surveyed say it seems like a choice between an illusion of hope and the delusions of dopes.
A representative with the Marijuana party was quick to point out smoking weed combats glaucoma and other vision related problems.
Headline: Stephen Harper campaigns in Iqaluit NWT
A kinder gentler Harper was even seen rubbing noses with local voters.
In a rare sign of cooperation Harper offered to pick up some spare parts for Dion’s airplane
Headline: BQ leader Duceppe calls for high speed train in Montreal
The train would run from Montreal to the US because he can’t get out of Canada quick enough.
The proposal calls for the train to run on a separate track and Canadian trains will be forced to give it a wide berth.
Headline: Marijuana party says they have an agreement to supply candidates for the NDP in BC
This may explain why Layton is saying his candidates are of the highest calibre.
Officials with the NDP say the Marijuana party’s wish to be aligned with them is just a pipe dream.
Headline: Elizabeth Mays Green Train leaves from Vancouver on cross Canada journey
Officials with Transport Canada are keeping a close eye to be sure it doesn’t collide with the Liberal Gravy Train circling around Ontario.
After reading their “Green Book” most experts agree there is no danger of this becoming a Train of Thought.
The Marijuana party is accusing the Greens of plagiarism, as they have the rights to Disoriented Express.
Headline: Liberal campaign focuses on “Dream Team”
This allows them to limit talk of green ideas to 40 second shifts.
The Conservatives say they will respond with a team concept once their star players get out of the penalty box.
Headline: Conservatives say Bloc Quebecois has cost Quebec $350 million
Leader Gilles Duceppe was livid and says the separatists have created hundreds of high paying jobs for advertising executives, media pundits and spin doctors.
In fairness to the BQ $350 million is a small price to pay for the hours of comedic enjoyment their ideas have given the rest of us.
Headline: Liberals unveil incentives for green farming operations
Their plans call on farmers to become greener by planting more peas and broccoli.
In an effort to reduce toxic emissions farmers are being encouraged to plant carbon neutral beans.
Headline: Opposition party’s call for a ban on handguns
This is a strange move because it would leave the Conservatives with nothing to shoot themselves in the foot with. – Lloyd Lahti
Conservatives were quick to show most voters support handguns, citing a new poll from Smith and Weston.
Headline: Wall Street imposes restrictions on short selling
Stephane Dion was fully in support and now hopes to convince party workers to stop betting against his Green Shift
The Green party says this is similar to their carbon tax plan with everyone speculating about the downside.
Headline: Liberals promise $500 million for the Arts
Insiders cite the benefits of the Arts saying without fantasy and fiction there never would have been a Green Shift.
The goal of the program is to see starving artists become merely malnourished ones.
The original price tag was only $450 million but someone forgot to add in the carbon capture Dream Catchers.
Headline: NDP candidate admits to taking his clothes off in front of teenagers during environmental retreat
Finally a politician who admits the emperor has no clothes
Friends were shocked saying he usually covered up his naked ambition
Headline: Embarrassed candidates upset over excessive internet scrutiny
Headline: Politicians accuse each other of unethical and immoral electronic witch hunts, whose only purpose is to dig up past indiscretions posted on the internet, solely to discredit their quality candidates
Freedom of discussion is essential to enlighten public opinion in a democratic state; it cannot be curtailed without affecting the right of the people to be informed through sources independent of the government concerning matters of public interest. There must be an untrammeled publication of the news and political opinions of the political parties contending for ascendancy."– Lucien Cannon judge, Canadian Supreme Court reports, 1938
Don’t be an idiot someone will see you – My mom
# 5 Offers party leader use of his spaceship during campaign
# 4 Spends more time lurking in bushes than knocking on doors
# 3 She is caught courting the youth vote one student at a time
# 2 On the subject of embezzling is Pro Choice
# 1 He starts off every rally with an impression of Bob Saget
Headline: Dion says this election is a choice between “gimmicks and a vision”.
Most voters surveyed say it seems like a choice between an illusion of hope and the delusions of dopes.
A representative with the Marijuana party was quick to point out smoking weed combats glaucoma and other vision related problems.
Headline: Stephen Harper campaigns in Iqaluit NWT
A kinder gentler Harper was even seen rubbing noses with local voters.
In a rare sign of cooperation Harper offered to pick up some spare parts for Dion’s airplane
Headline: BQ leader Duceppe calls for high speed train in Montreal
The train would run from Montreal to the US because he can’t get out of Canada quick enough.
The proposal calls for the train to run on a separate track and Canadian trains will be forced to give it a wide berth.
Headline: Marijuana party says they have an agreement to supply candidates for the NDP in BC
This may explain why Layton is saying his candidates are of the highest calibre.
Officials with the NDP say the Marijuana party’s wish to be aligned with them is just a pipe dream.
Headline: Elizabeth Mays Green Train leaves from Vancouver on cross Canada journey
Officials with Transport Canada are keeping a close eye to be sure it doesn’t collide with the Liberal Gravy Train circling around Ontario.
After reading their “Green Book” most experts agree there is no danger of this becoming a Train of Thought.
The Marijuana party is accusing the Greens of plagiarism, as they have the rights to Disoriented Express.
Headline: Liberal campaign focuses on “Dream Team”
This allows them to limit talk of green ideas to 40 second shifts.
The Conservatives say they will respond with a team concept once their star players get out of the penalty box.
Headline: Conservatives say Bloc Quebecois has cost Quebec $350 million
Leader Gilles Duceppe was livid and says the separatists have created hundreds of high paying jobs for advertising executives, media pundits and spin doctors.
In fairness to the BQ $350 million is a small price to pay for the hours of comedic enjoyment their ideas have given the rest of us.
Headline: Liberals unveil incentives for green farming operations
Their plans call on farmers to become greener by planting more peas and broccoli.
In an effort to reduce toxic emissions farmers are being encouraged to plant carbon neutral beans.
Headline: Opposition party’s call for a ban on handguns
This is a strange move because it would leave the Conservatives with nothing to shoot themselves in the foot with. – Lloyd Lahti
Conservatives were quick to show most voters support handguns, citing a new poll from Smith and Weston.
Headline: Wall Street imposes restrictions on short selling
Stephane Dion was fully in support and now hopes to convince party workers to stop betting against his Green Shift
The Green party says this is similar to their carbon tax plan with everyone speculating about the downside.
Headline: Liberals promise $500 million for the Arts
Insiders cite the benefits of the Arts saying without fantasy and fiction there never would have been a Green Shift.
The goal of the program is to see starving artists become merely malnourished ones.
The original price tag was only $450 million but someone forgot to add in the carbon capture Dream Catchers.
Headline: NDP candidate admits to taking his clothes off in front of teenagers during environmental retreat
Finally a politician who admits the emperor has no clothes
Friends were shocked saying he usually covered up his naked ambition
Headline: Embarrassed candidates upset over excessive internet scrutiny
Headline: Politicians accuse each other of unethical and immoral electronic witch hunts, whose only purpose is to dig up past indiscretions posted on the internet, solely to discredit their quality candidates
Freedom of discussion is essential to enlighten public opinion in a democratic state; it cannot be curtailed without affecting the right of the people to be informed through sources independent of the government concerning matters of public interest. There must be an untrammeled publication of the news and political opinions of the political parties contending for ascendancy."– Lucien Cannon judge, Canadian Supreme Court reports, 1938
Don’t be an idiot someone will see you – My mom
Friday, September 19, 2008
Column 3
Top 3 Signs your campaign has lost momentum
# 3 You are forced to roll out the annual national daycare promise
# 2 Party leaders appearance on Global National is scrapped for segment on looming cabbage crisis
# 1 A poll of your campaign workers shows 50% still undecided
Headline: Liberals promise $70 billion to cities for infrastructure
“Party officials say the program is cost effective because it turns out Alberta and Saskatchewan has way more carbon than they originally counted.”
“Dion says priority will be given to Cities that adopt green building designs so if you really need that sewage treatment plant, you will be advised to build it from actual sewage.”
“Liberal strategists say the pledge became more urgent when polls showed their underlying support in the Cities is crumbling.”
Headline: Facebook offers an online vote swapping service
“What a great idea, I’m hoping to swap mine for a week at a time share.”
“The concept is simple, if you vote NDP and live in Alberta you could swap with a Conservative in Newfoundland who is living in denial.”
“Officials with Elections Canada were taken off guard and promised to look into what this “Facebook” thing is.”
“Call me old fashioned but I remember the good old days when all we swapped with strangers was our wives.”
Headline: Conservatives outline program for small business owners to get Employment and Maternity benefits
“This policy is timely now that most banks will soon fall into the category of small business.”
“Harper says he identifies with new mothers who try to do a job while having to constantly keep an eye on what the children are up to.”
Headline: US banking crisis become political issue
“A Liberal fundraiser assured reporters they are not affected because they keep the campaign money in a jelly jar.”
“The NDP was hit hardest with the party finding it’s difficult to blame Canada’s problems on capitalists when they have no capital.”
Headline: Bob Rae upstages Stephane Dion during campaign appearances
“Dion was incensed saying he was only supposed to come and translate.”
“Rae was overhead saying the words every Liberal leader dreads, I’ve got your back.”
Headline: Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion's campaign plane makes unscheduled landing in Montreal
“It’s the first time a campaign has caused an airplane to stall.”
“Officials blame the stop on the plane suddenly running out of carbon credits.” - Unnamed reporter aboard the plane
Headline: Female comic handcuffed after interrupting Stephen Harper at a press conference
“An unnamed Conservative cabinet minister remarked “big deal we’ve been handcuffed since he was elected.”
“Party officials were upset saying they were supposed to release the new regulations for artistic expression next week.”
Headline: Conservatives promise to ban cigarette ads targeted towards children
“After last week you would have thought they would stay clear of puffin’ announcements.”
“So it seems like the Conservatives are counting on a tar and feather strategy.”
Headline: The Greens unveil a ``Green Book`` on policies and platforms
“Green officials say they have now distanced themselves from the Liberals as their policy book is green not red, is printed on recycled paper instead of glossy and has a totally different font.”
“The plan is based on taxing an invisible, colourless, odourless substance and really what could possibly go wrong with that?”
Headline: Opposition Party’s pick Wednesday to unveil billions in election promises
“Wednesday has now become stump day not hump day.”
“It seems like now Wednesday’s child is full of dough and taxpayers are full of woe.”
Headline: Conservative Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz makes inappropriate remarks about listeriosis crisis
“Most Canadians surveyed were shocked... who knew a Conservative could tell jokes?”
“The remarks have people wondering “Is Ritz crackers?”
Headline: NDP candidate in BC quits over segments showing him taking drugs on TV
“This is the first time a politician has been filmed on TV rambling incoherent sentences since Question Period.”
“It turns out; he didn’t pass the acid tests.”
Headline: Liberals urge Dion to adopt former PM Jean Chretien’s election strategies
“Dion appears to have taken the advice as he now speaks in distorted English and wanders into the crowd looking for a homeless protester to choke.”
“When you think of the strategies of the Chretien years it just brings tears to your eyes.”
Headline: NDP and Conservatives announce programs for seniors
“In a strange turn of events both leaders promised, if elected, to force the CBC to run Golden Girls marathons.”
“Both party’s are promising them more money but the NDP may have the upper hand because they will send it in a cheque with a birthday card.”
Headline: Cross Border Fencing
“As low as things are getting in the US elections, Canadian campaigning might have gone lower with a Conservative ad showing a cartoon puffin pooping on Liberal party leader Stephane Dion. Actually, the McCain campaign did think of a similar anti-Obama campaign with a bird, but Sarah Palin shot it.”
“Canada`s Research in Motion has become an election issue with Americans now that one of Senator John McCain's aides said he helped invent the Blackberry. In related news, Sarah Palin said "I can see blackberries grow from my house." - Janice Hough
“Stephen Harper demonstrated his musical prowess during a campaign appearance and now the other leaders have pianist envy.” -Mark Dip
"19 year old UNBC student Drew Adamick has been selected as the federal Liberal candidate for Cariboo-Prince George. Adamick calls himself the Sarah Palin of Canadian politics." - Hartley Miller
“Canadians are being urged to become more public this election. If you support the policies and character of Stephen Harper, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Stephane Dion, please drive with your headlights off at night.” – Lloyd Lahti
# 3 You are forced to roll out the annual national daycare promise
# 2 Party leaders appearance on Global National is scrapped for segment on looming cabbage crisis
# 1 A poll of your campaign workers shows 50% still undecided
Headline: Liberals promise $70 billion to cities for infrastructure
“Party officials say the program is cost effective because it turns out Alberta and Saskatchewan has way more carbon than they originally counted.”
“Dion says priority will be given to Cities that adopt green building designs so if you really need that sewage treatment plant, you will be advised to build it from actual sewage.”
“Liberal strategists say the pledge became more urgent when polls showed their underlying support in the Cities is crumbling.”
Headline: Facebook offers an online vote swapping service
“What a great idea, I’m hoping to swap mine for a week at a time share.”
“The concept is simple, if you vote NDP and live in Alberta you could swap with a Conservative in Newfoundland who is living in denial.”
“Officials with Elections Canada were taken off guard and promised to look into what this “Facebook” thing is.”
“Call me old fashioned but I remember the good old days when all we swapped with strangers was our wives.”
Headline: Conservatives outline program for small business owners to get Employment and Maternity benefits
“This policy is timely now that most banks will soon fall into the category of small business.”
“Harper says he identifies with new mothers who try to do a job while having to constantly keep an eye on what the children are up to.”
Headline: US banking crisis become political issue
“A Liberal fundraiser assured reporters they are not affected because they keep the campaign money in a jelly jar.”
“The NDP was hit hardest with the party finding it’s difficult to blame Canada’s problems on capitalists when they have no capital.”
Headline: Bob Rae upstages Stephane Dion during campaign appearances
“Dion was incensed saying he was only supposed to come and translate.”
“Rae was overhead saying the words every Liberal leader dreads, I’ve got your back.”
Headline: Liberal Leader Stéphane Dion's campaign plane makes unscheduled landing in Montreal
“It’s the first time a campaign has caused an airplane to stall.”
“Officials blame the stop on the plane suddenly running out of carbon credits.” - Unnamed reporter aboard the plane
Headline: Female comic handcuffed after interrupting Stephen Harper at a press conference
“An unnamed Conservative cabinet minister remarked “big deal we’ve been handcuffed since he was elected.”
“Party officials were upset saying they were supposed to release the new regulations for artistic expression next week.”
Headline: Conservatives promise to ban cigarette ads targeted towards children
“After last week you would have thought they would stay clear of puffin’ announcements.”
“So it seems like the Conservatives are counting on a tar and feather strategy.”
Headline: The Greens unveil a ``Green Book`` on policies and platforms
“Green officials say they have now distanced themselves from the Liberals as their policy book is green not red, is printed on recycled paper instead of glossy and has a totally different font.”
“The plan is based on taxing an invisible, colourless, odourless substance and really what could possibly go wrong with that?”
Headline: Opposition Party’s pick Wednesday to unveil billions in election promises
“Wednesday has now become stump day not hump day.”
“It seems like now Wednesday’s child is full of dough and taxpayers are full of woe.”
Headline: Conservative Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz makes inappropriate remarks about listeriosis crisis
“Most Canadians surveyed were shocked... who knew a Conservative could tell jokes?”
“The remarks have people wondering “Is Ritz crackers?”
Headline: NDP candidate in BC quits over segments showing him taking drugs on TV
“This is the first time a politician has been filmed on TV rambling incoherent sentences since Question Period.”
“It turns out; he didn’t pass the acid tests.”
Headline: Liberals urge Dion to adopt former PM Jean Chretien’s election strategies
“Dion appears to have taken the advice as he now speaks in distorted English and wanders into the crowd looking for a homeless protester to choke.”
“When you think of the strategies of the Chretien years it just brings tears to your eyes.”
Headline: NDP and Conservatives announce programs for seniors
“In a strange turn of events both leaders promised, if elected, to force the CBC to run Golden Girls marathons.”
“Both party’s are promising them more money but the NDP may have the upper hand because they will send it in a cheque with a birthday card.”
Headline: Cross Border Fencing
“As low as things are getting in the US elections, Canadian campaigning might have gone lower with a Conservative ad showing a cartoon puffin pooping on Liberal party leader Stephane Dion. Actually, the McCain campaign did think of a similar anti-Obama campaign with a bird, but Sarah Palin shot it.”
“Canada`s Research in Motion has become an election issue with Americans now that one of Senator John McCain's aides said he helped invent the Blackberry. In related news, Sarah Palin said "I can see blackberries grow from my house." - Janice Hough
“Stephen Harper demonstrated his musical prowess during a campaign appearance and now the other leaders have pianist envy.” -Mark Dip
"19 year old UNBC student Drew Adamick has been selected as the federal Liberal candidate for Cariboo-Prince George. Adamick calls himself the Sarah Palin of Canadian politics." - Hartley Miller
“Canadians are being urged to become more public this election. If you support the policies and character of Stephen Harper, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Stephane Dion, please drive with your headlights off at night.” – Lloyd Lahti
Monday, September 15, 2008
Column 2
At Wits End – Weak One
Dr. Seuss would have been proud of the campaign so far, all rhyme no reason...
May screams media sexist and unfair
Dion finally gets his plane in the air
Layton sees himself as PM’s heir
Harper auditions for “What not to Wear”
Headline: Conservatives reprimand war room for Puffin attack ad and suspend communications director Ryan Sparrow for insensitive remarks.
“Is War Room really the right term for a group of guys sitting around shooting themselves in the foot?”
“Despite gaining momentum from the events the Liberals were still quick to cry fowl.”
“The events seemed to reinforce the belief Conservatives really do sit around in smoke filled rooms hatching plots.”
“Harper to Sparrow... Flock Off!”
Headline: Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams unveils ABC (Anyone But Conservatives) campaign
“Listening to Williams rant about the failings of the Conservatives clears up the origin of Newfoundland Screech”
“Williams says he didn’t force his party members to join the campaign but he is sure acting like the Codfather”.
“The Conservative reaction to the ABC campaign is to act DEF.”
Headline: Conservatives accuse Green party of secretly supporting Stephane Dion
“Elizabeth May was incensed saying she only called Dion to co-ordinate outfits for the debate.”
“After seeing the latest leadership polls officials with the Liberals wish someone would support him secretly or otherwise.”
Headline: NDP promises to create 40,000 “green collar jobs”
“If the injuries keep mounting, the Saskatchewan Roughriders will create 50% of the jobs this year alone.”
“The good news is the jobs will be for laid off blue collar workers, the bad news is they have to supply their own lawn mower.”
Headline: Green Shift policy a difficult sell to Canadians
“Dion says he can explain the program in 6 words but they don’t translate into English or French”
“The Green Shift program seems to have religious overtones with most people saying they will pay the tax when Hell freezes over”
“Dion quickly went on the defensive when he heard Quebecers thought a tax on belching smokestacks would increase the price of cigarettes.”
Headline: Liberals propose national day care program
“Upon hearing this Stephen Harper demanded they include space for some of the infants in his war room”.
“Gilles Duceppe quickly countered with an offer to Quebec children promising more juice, longer naps and extra chocolate chips in their cookies.”
Headline: Bloc Québécois say they can do all of Canada a favour by stopping Prime Minister Stephen Harper from forming a majority government
“A majority of Canadians surveyed say a bigger favour would be for the separatists to stop cashing their paycheques”
“If that’s their idea of a party favour I can’t wait to see what we get for Christmas.”
Headline: Gas price spike becomes election issue
“The Liberal campaign plane made an unscheduled stop in Alberta, not to talk to voters but, to fill up with cheap gas.”
“Most Canadians were shocked and didn’t even realize it was a long weekend.”
Headline: Green party proposes $ 8.8 billion for Post Secondary education
“Officials say students shouldn’t face a “debt sentence” that’s what parents and taxpayers are for.”
“Political analysts say the move is risky because if Canadians become more educated they will begin to question the Greens policies.”
Headline: Canadian voters show signs of a rural-urban conflict
“Those in rural areas like Harper in a sweater while people in urban centres think he should try a hoodie.”
“People in the country would rather lie to a pollster during dinner whereas those in the City prefer to do it before lunch.”
Headline: Ex- Reform party leader Preston Manning proposes University masters program for new MP’s.
“The first class will emphasise total obedience.”
“Unlike most backbenchers MP’s registered in the course will receive some credit.”
Headline: Former critic of Jack Layton wins NDP party nomination for St. John’s
“Layton said if he excluded everyone who criticized him nobody could run, including his wife.”
The Liberals say they have a special name for candidates who openly criticize their leader “the cabinet”.
Warning: The following section contains 100% US content and 0% on Sarah Palin
"Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, well, yes, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters." –David Letterman
"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet. --Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
The last word belongs to a Canadian eh...
With all the focus on Tory bullying, I would have thought that after demonstrating his musical prowess on Thursday, all the headlines would have accusingly read: “Stephen Harper gives Stephane Dion a bad case of pianist envy” – Mark Dip
Dr. Seuss would have been proud of the campaign so far, all rhyme no reason...
May screams media sexist and unfair
Dion finally gets his plane in the air
Layton sees himself as PM’s heir
Harper auditions for “What not to Wear”
Headline: Conservatives reprimand war room for Puffin attack ad and suspend communications director Ryan Sparrow for insensitive remarks.
“Is War Room really the right term for a group of guys sitting around shooting themselves in the foot?”
“Despite gaining momentum from the events the Liberals were still quick to cry fowl.”
“The events seemed to reinforce the belief Conservatives really do sit around in smoke filled rooms hatching plots.”
“Harper to Sparrow... Flock Off!”
Headline: Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams unveils ABC (Anyone But Conservatives) campaign
“Listening to Williams rant about the failings of the Conservatives clears up the origin of Newfoundland Screech”
“Williams says he didn’t force his party members to join the campaign but he is sure acting like the Codfather”.
“The Conservative reaction to the ABC campaign is to act DEF.”
Headline: Conservatives accuse Green party of secretly supporting Stephane Dion
“Elizabeth May was incensed saying she only called Dion to co-ordinate outfits for the debate.”
“After seeing the latest leadership polls officials with the Liberals wish someone would support him secretly or otherwise.”
Headline: NDP promises to create 40,000 “green collar jobs”
“If the injuries keep mounting, the Saskatchewan Roughriders will create 50% of the jobs this year alone.”
“The good news is the jobs will be for laid off blue collar workers, the bad news is they have to supply their own lawn mower.”
Headline: Green Shift policy a difficult sell to Canadians
“Dion says he can explain the program in 6 words but they don’t translate into English or French”
“The Green Shift program seems to have religious overtones with most people saying they will pay the tax when Hell freezes over”
“Dion quickly went on the defensive when he heard Quebecers thought a tax on belching smokestacks would increase the price of cigarettes.”
Headline: Liberals propose national day care program
“Upon hearing this Stephen Harper demanded they include space for some of the infants in his war room”.
“Gilles Duceppe quickly countered with an offer to Quebec children promising more juice, longer naps and extra chocolate chips in their cookies.”
Headline: Bloc Québécois say they can do all of Canada a favour by stopping Prime Minister Stephen Harper from forming a majority government
“A majority of Canadians surveyed say a bigger favour would be for the separatists to stop cashing their paycheques”
“If that’s their idea of a party favour I can’t wait to see what we get for Christmas.”
Headline: Gas price spike becomes election issue
“The Liberal campaign plane made an unscheduled stop in Alberta, not to talk to voters but, to fill up with cheap gas.”
“Most Canadians were shocked and didn’t even realize it was a long weekend.”
Headline: Green party proposes $ 8.8 billion for Post Secondary education
“Officials say students shouldn’t face a “debt sentence” that’s what parents and taxpayers are for.”
“Political analysts say the move is risky because if Canadians become more educated they will begin to question the Greens policies.”
Headline: Canadian voters show signs of a rural-urban conflict
“Those in rural areas like Harper in a sweater while people in urban centres think he should try a hoodie.”
“People in the country would rather lie to a pollster during dinner whereas those in the City prefer to do it before lunch.”
Headline: Ex- Reform party leader Preston Manning proposes University masters program for new MP’s.
“The first class will emphasise total obedience.”
“Unlike most backbenchers MP’s registered in the course will receive some credit.”
Headline: Former critic of Jack Layton wins NDP party nomination for St. John’s
“Layton said if he excluded everyone who criticized him nobody could run, including his wife.”
The Liberals say they have a special name for candidates who openly criticize their leader “the cabinet”.
Warning: The following section contains 100% US content and 0% on Sarah Palin
"Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, well, yes, that will connect him with the angry working-class voters." –David Letterman
"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn't know how to use the Internet. --Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it's kind of a wash" --Jay Leno
The last word belongs to a Canadian eh...
With all the focus on Tory bullying, I would have thought that after demonstrating his musical prowess on Thursday, all the headlines would have accusingly read: “Stephen Harper gives Stephane Dion a bad case of pianist envy” – Mark Dip
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Column I
This blog is designed to be a dumping ground for all of the jokes created and contributed towards the column "At Writs End"... and especially to those jokes that don't make the grade, mine mostly...
Here is how the column was submitted...
Towards the Promises Land...
As Canadians begin their annual journey to the ballot box we unveil a comic countdown of the people, process and Puffin poop!
Top 3 Election Concerns of Canadians
# 3 The Economy
# 2 The Environment
# 1 The Frequency of Elections
A Poll released before the election showed an alarming 4 in 10 think they have no say in the Government. We are shocked... only 4 in 10?
A new poll says over half of Canadians believe the battle for Prime Minister is between Stefan Harper and Celine Dion. - Torben Rolfsen Vancouver comic
Much has been made about the Conservatives breaking their own fixed election date law by calling this election. Officials say this is a result of poor communication because the purpose of the fixed law is to go to the polls when the Government thinks the opposition can be neutered.
The difference between the Big Bang experiment and our election is when the left and right collide at the polls we know it will create a black hole... that will devour our taxes.
The media is speculating wildly if Quebec will go left wing or right wing while the average Quebecois is more concerned who is in goal for the upcoming Canadians season.
October 14th was chosen as the date Canadians will vote despite pleas from Jewish leaders this date is Sukkoth a celebration of the years spent wandering in the dessert. NDP leader Jack Layton backed the Jewish request saying wandering aimlessly in the wilderness is revered by them as well.
PM Harper said he considered other dates for the election but found it would conflict with the holiday of his core support... Halloween.
I think it’s environmentally friendly of the Greens to adopt a platform with planks built on recycled ideas, deliver rejected speeches and share a Prime Minister with the Liberals.
Every party is saying they are the agent of change but in the end change will be all taxpayers have left after they pay for this election.
My son was really excited to vote for the first time until I told him the Green party wasn't the same as they had in High School.
This election people in Alberta are having a difficult time deciding on a candidate because they can't vote for Bush.
The Liberals Green Shift policy is having unexpected results with many first time voters switching to the Greens.
Just plane silly...
It turns out the Liberals are the most grounded of all the party's if you include their airplane.
The Conservatives announced a reduction on the price of jet fuel partly to provide relief for airlines and partly to give the Liberals a break on fuel costs.
NDP leader Jack Layton is accusing the Liberals of pandering to the military by using an airplane older than our Sea King helicopters.
Stephane Dion is being criticized for using a fuel guzzling form of transportation but in their defense Liberals say they will buy carbon offsets to negate their environmental footprint. They are currently in negotiation to plant trees in the Enchanted Forrest.
The Liberals say their plane will be available once it is re-fitted as it was used in the WW I movie Passchendaele.
Green Party leader Elizabeth May can relate saying she’s having a hard time getting on the air as well.
BQ leader Gilles Duceppe was less sympathetic saying Liberal programs won't fly in Quebec anyway.
Skirting the debate issue...
The Taliban released a statement saying they have much in common with Canadians as they don't want women on television either.
Fashion is becoming a part of this election. Male leaders are casually donning sweaters highlighting their common touch but Green Party leader Elizabeth May seems uncomfortable in her Burka.
It was interesting to see NDP leader Jack Layton hiding behind the skirt of the media consortium while defending his objections to having May in the debate.
PM Harper says his objection revolves around her support of Stephane Dion for Prime Minister and not because she looks better in a sweater than him.
After careful deliberations the media consortium now says they will let May enter the debate and isn’t that just like the old boys’ network to be constantly changing their pretty little heads?
May is adamant she didn’t play the gender card in her complaint and says she just pointed out the men were acting like Dicks.
A Birds Eye Poo...
Stephen Harper was surprised by the attack ad showing a Puffin dedicating on the shoulder of Stephane Dion saying "Who knew Puffins could fly?"
This may be one time Stephen Harper wished pigs could fly...
Giving the South its Due...Some of the best from the US Elections...
"The last time St. Paul was this friendly to John McCain was when McCain was with St. Paul on the road to Damascus"- Bill Littlejohn
Republican John McCain and Diamondbacks lefty Randy Johnson recently celebrated birthdays. One is a leader, has battled in wars, walks with a limp and is everybody's favorite great grandpa. The other, McCain, turned 72. - Hartley Miller
The US race is taking away some of the attention from Canada's but let’s face it our candidates Palin comparison...
“Palin and McCain make a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno
"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some people are saying that McCain picked Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman. Bill tried that, it didn't work out." --Craig Ferguson
Hough Knew... the best from US contributor Janice Hough
"Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has called an election for Oct. 14th which means just 5 weeks of campaigning and commercials. In related news millions of Americans in swing states have filled applications to immigrate to Canada".“Who says John McCain isn’t the “Change” candidate? Why, in the past year alone he’s changed on taxes, torture and off-shore oil drilling.”
Hard to imagine America may have a VP from a state that makes Saskatchewan look like an urban population center.
“There is a silver lining for Canadians with McCain picking Sarah Palin because in looking for Alaska it might be the first time many Americans see Canada on a map.”
“The Republican National Convention is hardly a showplace of diversity. In fact, the assembled delegates looked like a hockey crowd, only whiter.”
We get the last words eh...
Julie Couillard the girlfriend of former Conservative cabinet minister Maxine Bernier is set to release her autobiography. The book is groundbreaking not only because it will be unveiled during the campaign but it will be the first political autobiography to include a centrefold.
And these didn't make it...
In an effort to be the first to declare a winner media outlets have conceded the election to the Conservatives before the race begins.
In honour of his Green Shift philosophy when Stephane Dion visited to discuss the election PM Harper gave him water without ice and instead of a glass he was hosed.
BQ Leader Gilles Duceppe used his election kickoff to berate the lack of French in federal programs saying the salaries, pensions and benefits of their members should be paid in Francs.
The Green Party is fighting to be included in the nationally televised Leadership debate while the Liberals are fighting to have their leader excused with a cold.
Stephane Dion seems to be getting the hang of English because the person translating his speech for the hearing impaired doesn’t shrug near as much.
The Liberals have rented an airplane from Inuit Airlines which is fitting because trying to convince voters to elect them based on a massive carbon tax is like trying to sell ice cubes to Eskimos.
Secretly the media is glad the Greens will be allowed to be on the televised debate because they bring the best brownies.
The CBC had a difficult choice on Sunday deciding if they should cover the expected coronation of Stephen Harper or a re-run of Coronation Street.
More from Torben...
A Canadian Press Harris/Decima survey polled Canadians on who they would vote for President in the upcoming election and came up with the following results:66% Obama
13% McCain
21% Gretzky
Fortunately for the Republicans, Canada is worth 0 electoral votes in the November election.
The Bush administration has already started building portions of a fence across their frontier with Mexico.
Canadians may have worries that Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin wants to build a fence - around her daughter.
Palin is anti-sex ed. Her approach involves abstinence education in the home by parents. That's obviously worked out well for her.
Earlier in the week, bloggers were speculating that one of Sarah Palin's 5 kids may actually have been a previous kid by her now-pregnant 17-year old daughter but the mother faked the pregnancy.
That family's starting to sound like the one in that X-Files episode where the mom lived under the bed.
Hough Knew... the ones that should have been in...
Say what you will about Sarah Palin. She is the prettiest vice-presidential candidate since John Edwards. -
Sarah Palin in her speech to the convention said that when she took office she sold the Governor’s private jet on Ebay. What she didn’t say - Cindy McCain bought it. -
If this vice presidential thing doesn’t work out Sarah Palin might be able to get a job as enforcer, for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Apparently two hurdlers on the 2008 Jamaican Olympic track team received shipments of performance-enhancing drugs. But to give the athletes the benefit of the doubt, just because you receive something doesn’t mean you use it. For example, President Bush receives daily intelligence briefings.
Thanks Janice and to all those who contributed...
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