derek4mayor.ca

As this is the time of year for leaves and politicians to fall... I am reminded of the time I ran for Mayor of Calgary... reminded haunted... whatever...

If memory serves me right it was September 13 2001... 2 days after 911... that I paid my deposit... submitted my signatures and entered the race... I had my camouflage wardrobe on... what could possibly go wrong? In hindsight a campaign that relied on ambush publicity stunts was going to get the wrong kind of attention from jittery security officials... again I am sorry to all who were offended by my TNT shaped mail-out...

I ran on a platform of mental illness... a surprisingly large demographic in Calgary... my platform would have shut the downtown core from traffic... except for emergency, logistics and riot control... the usual...

I would have built 4 or 5 LRT lines from the core to service all of Calgary even if it was only for a few stops... this would begin the connection to full city coverage... I proposed using the energy of commuters peddling on stationary bikes on the way to work... at gym clubs and at the office to power it...

Crowchild Trail would be a bypass... with direct access to Casino's, gas, smokes and corn... subject to permit... to the south and direct lines of roads and transit connecting MRU, SAIT, ACA, UOC,AA to the north... with LRT connections to the far community of Cochrane and have the platform stop in front of McKay's Ice Cream...

I wanted to replace the existing LRT track with magnetic ones... and I would have too... can you imagine the revenue from spare change sticking to the tracks? The technology we would adapt from existing high speed trains and would create a... clean... affordable... really fast creepy late night full moon ride home from a Goth club... our cars could be adapted to run on the tracks and would have a built in magnetic stripe to cover the fee with a direct deposit charge...

At the time the Cecil... Calgary's most interesting Bar... was going strong and so I proposed building a +15 from the Cecil directly to the Drop In... it turned out to be not only a sound municipal initiative... but also somewhat of an oft copied joke...

Skateboarders had to run a battery charger in order to replace the fuses that were going to be blown when I made it legal on all City roads... sidewalks and driveways... I thought of promoting competitions and allowing the events to pay for paving new roads... we could later advertise them as Extreme Sidewalks... motto... Heads Up!

My platform included having the police force outfitted in a tasteful shade of pink... I mean really who can see them coming when they are all in black? The pink would make them more visible and I'm sure would soften the effects on criminals when they were Tazed...

I agreed we needed to build a new water treatment plan... but thought we should look outside the box and find a way to remove the estrogen and female hormones that are affecting our initial water supply... either that or make bras... Kleenex and decorating tips for men deductible from property taxes...

I like the tone of Mayor Dave in his dealings with the Province... I was advocating separation from Alberta if they didn't give me the money for my toys... I was amazed at how much money can be gained when you stomp your feet and hold your breath... I mean they gave him an interchange on Chrowchild and 50th Ave. SW that allowed him to get to the mountains for skiing quicker... a water treatment plant for south side needs... an LRT train that runs right in front of his backyard... all paid for in advance with the cost overruns deducted from other projects... WOW!!! I am impressed...

The West LRT... or Dave's Driveway... is being erected in record speed and shows the sound policy of having pre-paid all of the expenses... Calgarians are proud of the speed in which they have been shut down from their morning travel routes... our City workers don't just sit on their ass... they place orange traffic cones on pretty well every street... I have read the amount given to the General Contractor was $703 million... and who among us has not given the person doing a renovation on our home all of the money up front? There is a chance Calgarians will get the $500 GST rebate for doing a home improvement but 1st they have to establish how much of the renovations were done in Dave's backyard...

The idea of my candidacy was to bring a light on the plague of homelessness... promote humour, comedy and joke... and would cost no more than the price of a good suit...

My slogan... if elected I promise to find an apartment...

I was against the idea of warehousing the homeless... there were many more creative and positive alternatives for the Drop In Centre... personally I liked the idea of turning it into a Belly Dance Pavilion... not only would the street traffic improve but if they did enough spins then maybe we could air the place out...

In short there was no way in hell I would get elected... considered... or housed...

Some of my idea's were adopted despite their apparent lunacy...

Borrowing our great grandchildren's nest egg for pet projects... I mean look how young they are... what kind of decisions will they be capable of?

Bearable tax increases disguised with atmospheric increases in fees and Bylaw enforcement fines... my platform included arming the Bylaw Enforcement Officers... because in almost all of recorded history tax collectors were packing heat

Building the most expensive and pedestrian Chinese puzzle bridge in the World... I saw it as an anchor and hoped to build other expensive bridges so close together that in a pinch we could drive on them...I suggested using some home grown talent in the design or fabrication... so I admire the balls of contracting it all from Spain...

I considered running this time... but I own no property needing an LRT connection...

The only growth in government spending is going to be tied up defending and instigating suits resulting from the shoddy work, mind bending cost overruns and... to paraphrase reports and insider comments... creating a culture fostering an environment that anything was possible except following conventional accounting principles and practices...

Above all despite spending more time outside than any possible contender... I have no idea where the bodies are buried...

Barb Higgins... Mayor... it sounds right...