Column 9

Top 5 signs your candidate is panicking
# 5 Demands an all party meeting on the state of his finances
# 4 Points out his campaign has been in a recession for years
# 3 He was found hoarding all the donuts in his campaign office
# 2 She calls for a loosening of rates to first time bunker buyers
# 1 His lawn signs are sporting fright wigs

Headline: BQ sends signals they will be interested in forming a Government with the Liberals.
Talks are stalled on who will be on top and who is on the bottom
Officials are still trying to decide if a carbon tax or a corporate tax is the best way to shift the money from the West to the Quebec.

Headline: Conservatives defend cost of Afghanistan mission
Party officials note the mission cost increased when they made the decision to actually arm the soldiers.
Arts groups in Quebec quickly protested saying they could twice as many box-office bombs for half the price.

Headline: Layton says he won’t gamble with your savings
He then gave 3:5 odds on the chance the Canadian economy would benefit from an NDP government.

Headline: Dion requires 4 takes to answer a TV reporter’s question
Liberal officials say it was just another example of gotcha journalism because he was asked to be specific.
Party officials are crying foul because he wasn’t allowed to have Elizabeth May in the room to translate.

Headline: Final week of the campaign coincides with Mental Health Awareness Week
Party leaders are honouring the week by driving us into depression, offering schizophrenic promises and making the case for increased anger management funding.

Headline: Canadian banks rated safest in the world
Conservatives say it is a result of the policies of Stephen Harper, Liberals say it is the legacy of Paul Martin and the NDP claims it is a delayed reaction to the work of Tommy Douglas.

Headline: Liberals say they have a transition team in place
Liberals are scrambling to stop Bob Rae from lobbying for the position of finance minister.
Dion ducked the question of Elizabeth May being in her cabinet he says it is just as important she stay in his pocket.

Headline: Leaders differ on retirement strategies
Liberals favour Lotto 649 while the Conservatives strongly prefer scratch and wins.
The NDP says it all starts at the kitchen table meaning there are plenty of jobs available for seniors in food preparation.

Headline: NDP hold rally in underground mine
The rally was to show solidarity for workers and to choose rooms for the coming Armageddon engineered solely by the Conservatives.
Experts say this is a great place to discuss the NDP tax plans because they don’t look nearly as good in the light of day.

Headline: Dion claims the Green Shift will benefit Alberta and Saskatchewan
The biggest benefit will come when they are able to see their resource revenues funding tasteful Quebec films and game shows.
Dion says he will be saving the oil production for future generations but promises there will be enough gas for voters to move back to the East.

Headline: Montreal loses Formula 1 race
The BQ is furious the with federal government for not spending more money to protect the race as they see this as a great way to show the world Quebec is an independent country.

Headline: Green party candidate quits increasing the Liberals chances
For a party that prides itself on being green they sure have a lot of yellow candidates.
Party officials say they have no agreement with the Liberals but are already asking that for the next debate May be allowed to sit in Dion’s lap.
The NDP was quick to point out their party would be better at reneging on their obligations than the Greens ever would.

Headline: Conservatives raise the possibility of PM Dion
Liberals are outraged saying the politics of fear has no place in an election.
The stock market reacted by dropping 500 points after the words were spoken causing an investigation as to whether Harpers mom was engaging in short selling.

Headline: Economists come out in support of a carbon tax
Reacting to the news officials with the Conservatives say the economists are just blowing smoke.
Put into perspective this is the same group that predicted steady growth of the economy for the next couple of years.