Column 8

Top 5 signs the campaign has gone negative
# 5 The kitchen table is now littered with cleavers and hatchets
# 4 Leaders start wearing sweater-vests made from Kevlar
# 3 Spin doctors are now making house calls.
# 2 Whistle stop tours feature real police whistles
# 1 When people say they had a riot at the rally they mean it literally

Headline: Dion visits the Arctic

He found selling the Green Shift plan much easier to a population that has 75 different words for snow.
While he was there he visited those endangered by climate change including polar bears, seals and his candidates.

Headline: BQ holds large rally in Quebec

Sports fans were disappointed the event didn’t have some local economic benefits like looting.

Headline: Auto workers pile safety boots at the riding office of finance minister.

The boots are a symbol of the workers newest menu item, filet of sole.
The boots if laid end to end would reach the plant that was moved to Pennsylvania.

Headline: NDP change sign colours from orange to green

Layton says this is just another reason for Green supporters to join them as they are recycling Marijuana party signs.
Party officials say they will continue their attacks on the traditional parties’ attempts to fool you with cheap election stunts.

Headline: Liberal candidate Bob Rae says NDP is not a viable party

In particular Rae warned against implementing policies he wrote when he was with the NDP.
Ironically Rae called the current economic difficulties the greatest financial disaster since the NDP was elected to run Ontario.

Headline: Conservatives finally release complete election platform

Insiders say by releasing the promises over a long period it gives the voters a chance to forget the previous ones.
Party officials say it is a cost cutting measure and they hope to save some of the promises for the next year’s election.

Headline: Author Margret Atwood throws her support to the BQ

Atwood said “When a caribou dies 52 other organisms gain a living from the organism”. She then mused if Quebec was to separate from Canada at least that many artists would come up with great poems to mark the event.
Atwood says as a supporter of the arts she could see Quebec separating if it was done tastefully.
When Sarah Palin heard this she quickly added caribou to her economic policy menu.

Headline: Liberals drop Green Shift and introduce “plan for the people”

The plan is to distract people from associating the Green Shift with Liberals.
The plan has a focus on the economy including a 5 point emergency response, a 30 day implementation and a 10 step recovery.

Headline: Economy overtaking the environment as top election issue

Now if a tree falls in the forest it is a sign the logging industry is hopefully picking up.
Most voters say the focus on climate change is leaving them with less cold hard cash.

Headline: Liberals and NDP discuss forming a coalition

Elizabeth May is now regretting throwing her support behind Dion saying his love for her was a fraud.
Officials with both parties deny there is a relationship saying they are just friends with billion dollar benefits.

Headline: U.S. and Canadian campaigns turn ugly

Republicans are accusing Obama of associating with terrorists and the opposition parties in Canada are sinking lower claiming Harper is hanging out with economists.

Headline: Liberal supporters get brake lines cut in Toronto

Noting the amateurish attempt at sabotage the NDP reminded voters if you want to get the job done right hire unionized workers.

Headline: Former PM Martin to release a book accusing Chretien of sabotaging his leadership

The book will lay out the devious ways Chretien undercut Martin when he was a leader or as aspiring Liberal leadership candidates call it, a blueprint.

Headline: Canadian singers release a climate change song called “You have a choice” attacking Harpers environmental policy.

The video is a labour of love with singers flying in from all over the world to complain about the Conservatives carbon emission plans.
A Conservative spokesman applauded the artists’ efforts saying their attempt to snow the voters will surely reduce global warming.
The irony is you have a choice to vote based on a song or based on the issues.

Headline: Dion says hearing problem affects his ability to speak English

Party officials say it was his deaf ear that caused him to ignore warnings his Green Shift was a vote killer.